It’s been soooo long since I’ve just rambled on my blog.  Amazing how time just seems to fly faster and faster since I began Madness.

If we haven’t met in SL before – why not???  I’m sure you too may enjoy my foray into the insane and passionate, quirky.. and some days flying by the seat of my pants..ha!  Such a mix sometimes, being a moody Scorpio, a horrid procrastinator (still working on that!), a “system and order” loving psyche, and this crazy creative wild streak that has dancers in my head almost all the time.  Some days it has me doing circles or hiding under my rock!

I must say, it has been an extremely challenging month.  Sometimes reactions and emotions have me running the opposite way of the dancers in my head (that doesn’t make them happy btw).  Sometimes I’m so intensely focused, new ideas floating in my head as I create.  I build a set, strip it, rebuild it, and go wild on it.  A recent one took almost 5 solid days worth of work in total…over 40 hours for a single bit of music.  How insane is that?  What I can’t put a price on is how happy it makes me, how much it moves me when it’s complete, how thrilled I am to share it with others or even just watch it myself.  Every dance is an expression of me in some way.

Note to self – sometimes it’s NOT a good idea AT ALL to try to learn something new when I’m on a tight time frame.  I’m a systems person, generally take very quickly to new programs and software.  Blender is totally kicking my ass with my newest endeavor.  After backtracking and finding a quick solution that worked great, I think I should take the time and learn to crawl before I try to run a marathon with it, eh?

The events part?  The main one is the Lighting the Way – Autism Awareness charity event.  I am so honored to be part of it – through Moonstone Theatre, Winds of the Sahara, and my own troupe – Harleyquin.  It’s still going strong this week, so I do hope you can find some time to make it!

I’m also participating in Fantasy Faire this year – which has been more of a challenge than I anticipated but I keep reminding myself that it’s good to be flexible, open-minded, and do my best and enjoy the ride.  If everything runs smoothly, I think it will be a fun event – and as a DragonCon fan in RL, what’s not to love about Fantasy Faire in SL?

Sometimes I’m really chill, or I go along with something I really should stand up to, other times I will be really vocal and demanding.  The key I think is knowing the difference, what really is the best course of action and taking it.  I’m reminding myself that it’s good to be flexible, while not letting people walk all over me/take advantage of my “let’s do this” mentality, or be part of something that’s not a positive experience for me.  Life is too short and SL is the last place where I need toxic experiences and people in my life.

I’m taking some time off from performing in May so that I can focus on creating the new dances that are swirling about in my head, or the ones that I’ve begun and not finished…or are missing those finishing details that make it amazing.

Some have taken longer this month…having reached a point where it didn’t “feel right” as I created.  This usually means that instead of pushing through I need to stop and figure out what direction my creative mind REALLY wants to go.  Sometimes I wish my head had a GPS and would just tell me to “turn right here” or “at the nearest convenience, take a u-turn”.  My inventory is chock full of stuff I was going to use, then changed my mind.

I found my biggest thing lately is that my imagination creates these super complex dance sets & scripts and bells and whistles, but that sometimes stripping it back and going simple is *so* much more powerful.  A simple set, strong choreography, and the particular entrance and placement of the dancers can do so very much for a dance that my original complex idea pales by comparison.  That was a happy accident…

I DJ the performances at Winds of the Sahara and straight DJ Shagwong Cove at 11 am slt on Sundays.  Sometimes I wonder about the straight DJ gigs- my biggest passion is dance, but then like this morning I lose myself in high energy mood lifting music and I can’t imagine not DJing – not creating the playlists and letting lose a bit, not taking requests and being exposed to so much music I’d never heard before.  Scorpio that I am, I study what a good DJ does, I pay attention to ones I love in SL, I strive to create great playlists and experiences.  Alan Walker is my new idol – and wow, he’s done a new mix to This is Me.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwoDYJWWXW0   To create like this would be beyond my wildest dreams…

Why do I always forget that listening to music can lift my mood?  Help me work through a feeling I’m experiencing???

I like the Sunday blocks because I only schedule them for an hour, but may go over.  My theory?  “hit em hard and take them for a ride”.  Keep the energy and the fun high.  If I’m not having a great time…I’m tired, worn out, stressed, I *know* that comes across.  This one hour block helps get me out of the treadmill I can fall onto…just let everything else go for that time and have fun.  It’s not better than chocolate for lifting a mood, but it’s damn close!

I wish I had more time to experience other things, exploring sims, live singers and events.  Thankfully the gacha machines may have forgotten my name – and that’s a good thing!

Always such a challenge to balance.  Taking May off of performing to reboot.  DJing and workshops will still go on though!

May your SL be AMAZING – and be who you are meant to be!  We are all mad here, if we can’t embrace our inner selves in this world, where can we?

Unabashedly a bit mad,
~ Eva ‘fruit loop’ Harley

Our dear friend Willy Wonka actually said “nonsense”, but this morning it is musings that drift through my brain.

All of us are creative in our own way, our outlet unique, but perhaps we all have the same constant challenge.  The ideas that constantly spin within our creative mind, works in progress, those little things you look for that make what you construct just right.  In a way, it’s that creative high I love most.  When you completely lose yourself in the creation, when everything fades away and you just feel it, you connect to it.  You almost need it…  This goes far beyond deadlines, commitments, the external pressure you may at times feel to “deliver”.

Going back to the source, finding that spark, and the raw deep down need and reason why you do what you do…I have to find my way back to that at times.

It is so easy to get lost along the way, until you almost don’t recognize your creative self beyond brief glimpses.  Perhaps it is distractions, feeling disheartened, procrastination.  Ahh…procrastination.  That anxiety inducing non-action that seems to be a frequent challenge of mine personally.  Toss out what you have heard, your own misconceptions.  You aren’t lazy, disorganized (well maybe, but that’s generally not the issue here), not talented enough.

It is fear.  A fear of failure.  That what we create won’t live up to what is in our minds.  The fear of being judged and found lacking.  The belief that we just can’t do it.  The overwhelmed feeling we may have as we really start contemplating how to bring our imagination to life.  We may putter, skirt the edges, but not dive into the creation and lose ourselves within it.  Our mind holds something back, that full commitment.

Ahhh…but at times, it is not procrastination OR fear.  I have often said that when you lose yourself within a creation, pouring out your heart and soul within in, it is like a love affair between the creator and their art.  There will come a time, and should come a time, when you feel within your bones that it is done.  No more to be added, no more tweaks or little adjustments.  Any more would disturb the overall performance.  Have you ever felt exhausted, drained, after completing a performance?  No…not because you’ve spent the last 40 hours with 3 hours sleep finishing it…but because you’ve given of yourself completely into the art, you’ve pushed past your comfort zone, your doubts and fears, climbed any mountains you need to climb…and finished it.  It was exhilarating, fulfilling, and now is the time to recharge your batteries.

I recently contemplated my existence in this world, at at times when I’m really brave my existence in RL too.  I am so much more than a creator.  I am me.  I want to experience different things, connect with others, explore, laugh, and be silly.  Creating is a facet of me, but not my entirety.

These words blow through me as a cool breeze does on a beautiful sunny day.  A reminder of why I do what I do, of balance and purpose.  I realign my thoughts, feelings, words, and actions to reflect on this and return to my path…and feel at peace once again.

Your path is your own, always.
~ Eva

You ever have that moment where you feel that all is under control, you know where you’re going, and everything is coming together beautifully?  I enjoy those .32657 seconds too!

As I contemplate the dances I need to work on…and the laptop cord my puppy chewed up…and lament that the new cord won’t be here until tomorrow {big dramatic sigh}, I consider the “chaos” and my need for order.

SL Lag & My inventory!

John Hammond: You’re right, you’re absolutely right. Hiring Nedry was a mistake, that’s obvious, we’re over-dependent on automation, I can see that now. Now the next time, everything’s correctable. Creation is an act of sheer will. Next time it’ll be flawless.
Ellie Sattler: It’s still the flea circus. It’s all an illusion.
John Hammond: When we have control again–
Ellie Sattler: You never had control! That’s the illusion! I was overwhelmed by the power of this place. But I made a mistake, too. I didn’t have enough respect for that power and it’s out now. The only thing that matters now are the people we love. Alan and Lex and Tim…John,they’re out there where people are dying. So…[takes a spoonful of ice cream;swallows] It’s good.

OK.  I’m giggling.  Either I’ve gone off the deep end (totally possible) or something struck a nerve.

If you enjoy creating anything in SL, performing, hosting, having wild sex romps, you know that control is an illusion.  We can’t control SL lag, which is one of the biggest beasts of all and has been the demise of more than one dance show.  We can’t control when the power goes out for whatever reason, or when the cat eats the keys off the keyboard, or the puppy chews up the power supply cord.  (Well….working on those last two…)

By the way, do you know how much fun it is when you have a touch screen and your cat decides to pounce on it?  I swear I didn’t mean to tp onto the stage…of male dancers…of nearly naked male dancers….uh huh….

Control is an illusion.  I have an overwhelming need for a sense of order.  I like to have a flow to things, a place for everything and everything in its place.  I love systems, and structure (as long as it was my idea…it’s a Scorpio thing), and knowing what’s when.

I could spend every moment in SL getting my inventory completely organized.  After I missed some dance deadlines and realized that (plus other things) are more stressful than a messy inventory, I employ the good enough approach.  Get a basic semblance of order, then tackle one thing at a time.  So it may take me 15 minutes to dress right now, I know I’ll get my new duds in my wardrobe soon.  I’ve got this new fascination with selling on marketplace, and gacha grab boxes (someone pleeeease save me!), but time for that has now been relegated to the weekend.

Balancing everything is a challenge we all face – RL to SL time, creating, spending time with friends, contemplative time, exploring, and organizing.  As I sit here, knowing my laptop is slooowly reaching the end of its juice…I remind myself that it’s not the end of the world.  Focus, deep breaths, and enjoying what I do are more important than the compulsions I can keep at bay my procrastinating them.  (Woot!  A good thing to procrastinate on!)

Control is an illusion.  Sometimes SL will be wonky and a tool will be a challenge (aka PITA), or lag will hold up all our particles until the very end, or the music stream will cut out, or objects will take forever to rez.  While I have visions of a perfectly organized and indexed inventory so I always know exactly what I have, that won’t happen either.

Sometimes we need to hold on for the ride, do the best we can do, but never forget to enjoy the journey.  Isn’t that the point?  Tackle one thing at a time and feel a sense of accomplishment in that.  Prioritize, and build in time to enjoy too.  When emotions slam you over the head, find a way to knock yourself out of those moments and have them at the ready for next time.  Stretch, do things you’ve always wanted to do, no excuses, no self doubt.

Oh, and exciting news!  I’m working on my first blog post for Dance Queens…so stay tuned!

Happy to be a fruit loop-
~ Eva

I’m a fruit loop…and I like being a fruit loop.

(Yep that’s me)

“Blessed are the weird people:
poets, misfits, writers
mystics, painters, troubadours
for they teach us to see the world through different eyes.” ~ Jacob Nordby

BUT

it doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t question myself, let those doubts sink in.

“Am I good enough?  Am I too weird?  Do they not like what I do?  Are they better than me?  Would someone else be better than me?  Who am I to do this?  …”

Over time, I’ve had many “gut check” moments…when I’ve lost my focus, lost my inspiration.  I was completely shocked the other day when someone commented they could see it in the dances I created, the music choices I’ve made.  She could see how the feelings inside reflected in my creative choices, and how as the feelings changed those choices did too.  Sometimes my creativity slows to a near crawl…either in a lack of ideas or a lack of desire.

These gut check moments come for different reasons – sometimes a respite is needed, stop the never ending treadmill we may have jumped on.  Sometimes it’s the calm as energy builds up for a new breakthrough.  Sometimes it’s caused by internal transition or DOUBT.  All of those have a purpose.  The key is getting to the other side.  Get back on the horse…or a bigger horse…or maybe a speckled horse instead of a brown one.  IT’S ALWAYS YOUR CHOICE WHAT HORSE TO RIDE.  (Or cowboy…but that’s a whole different post.)

Doubt can be a catalyst.  You can face your fears and overcome them or you can do this:

ok…who brought the tissues?

One thought just shouts out in my mind…one that is so important to me, and almost a mantra of sorts now.

They aren’t better, just different.

I am on a constant crusade to learn new things, to improve, to be more outgoing.  Some people may “get me”, some won’t.  Some people may like what I do, the energy I bring, the way I do things, some won’t.

You know what?  That’s OK!

There are always other opportunities.  Instead of doubting, do your own self check – do you feel you’re doing a good job?  If yes, then keep doing it!  If you’re just not happy, move on!  Try different venues, be creative.  I may never dance for Monarch’s or be a “top” DJ, but I can love doing what I do, keep evolving, and embrace whatever comes in an unknown future.

Something else I’ve realized:  By hanging onto a situation that doesn’t work anymore, you are hurting not only yourself but the other party too!  You are holding yourself back from what may be an amazing opportunity waiting out there, and you are holding them back from finding someone who fills their needs and culture better.

Change is scary, change can really suck, but change can also bring about amazing new things.  Trust in yourself, do your best, keep growing, and do those internal self checks once in a while.  Believe in yourself, and know it’s ok to be different.

~ Eva “fruit loop” Harley

OK, I stumbled on this and honestly….this is scary accurate for what a choreographer goes through when creating a dance.  Get it?  Scary?  Hahahahahaha!  I just amuse myself…

Oh sure…it’s simple they said…just buy some animations they said….a set?  just need a box with some moving pictures on it they said…..moving?  who needs to move?  pfft…they said.

Umm….yah.

Know what else?  To me – it’s worth it, and as I go through the creative process I decide IF I need all the “stuff”.  After a song just pounds away in my head DEMANDING to be created, I brainstorm every thought, feeling, idea, marketplace prop I think of and find.

Know what?  A lot ends up on the cutting room floor.

and that’s OK.

We’re creating a dance, not a movie, but in a way aren’t they a bit the same?  We want to tell a story, we want to evoke an emotion, to share something of ourselves.  True – we’re not going to make a billion dollars but we also (hopefully) don’t have a studio breathing down our neck telling us how we have to do something either.

For me, a lot of the choices and considerations in that diagram above are spot on!  Except maybe the party for the premiere bit…I need to work on that…

So…do you follow a process when creating a dance?  Do you have a flow, make conscious choices, or kinda just toss it all together and see what comes out?  Is either way better?  Hmmm…

–> off to make a horror movie

~ Eva