Madness, Matter, and Rambling Thoughts

I love watching Ted Talks, everything from bamboo houses to insight into amazing art to thought provoking topics.

When I was young, I thought I’d have everything figured out by now.  Now?  I’m still a work in progress.  Always learning, always changing, always exploring who I am, finding my path and those special things inside of me.

Sometimes I feel stuck.  Sometimes it feels like I should hang an “out of order” sign around my neck.  Sometimes I feel alone or unmotivated.

THAT is my mind’s message saying

“YO!  IT’S TIME TO SHAKE THINGS UP!”

I always think body language is how I come across to others.  I’ve never thought about how it came across to me.  When I’m completely absorbed in something, I’m all kinds of spread out, moving, arms waving (even if no one can see me).  Very often I’m surrounded by notes, and books, and notepads.  Sometimes I’ve even got my legs kicked up, keyboard balanced on my lap.  I’m OWNING IT, and I’m in the zone.

Not always though.  Sometimes I’m flustered and nervous.  I can hear it in my voice.  My muscles are tense as I draw my shoulders in.  I say thank you 50 times, and I apologize 100.  I’m not confident and I’m not focused where I need to be.

WHY?     Fear.    of trying something new.  of failing.  of not being prepared.  of being judged and found lacking.

What sucks about society is that others can pound this feeling into us.  That we’re not good enough.  That it will never happen.  That we can’t do it.  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “You’ll never…..”.  For every doubtful look.  Deflating comment.  Even worse?  the walls put in place by others to set us up for failure.  What happens?  WE BELIEVE IT.  I can feel myself drawing inward, shoulders hunched.  Not inspired.  A ghost.  How I stand, my body language, effects me too.

The Ted Talk below was enlightening.  My favorite parts?  Tiny tweaks = big changes and don’t fake it until you make it, fake it until you become it.  Now go stand like superwoman for two minutes (yes – guys too!).  Raise your hands in the air in pride!  You GOT this!  Go be you, no apologies!

My word of the day – POWERFUL!

Always,
~ Eva

This is my safe space, where I sometimes open up and share a piece of myself.  I am not perfect.  I could be afraid to show my cracks, scratches, and dents, but here I feel more free as words flow from my fingers.  People can take me or leave me for who I am.  I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.  I know some could consider me ‘weak’ or ‘imperfect’ for being honest and open, but I’m ok with that.  If expressing my thoughts and feelings eases my soul, and perhaps inspires or connects with someone else – that’s what matters.

As I sipped my quickly cooling coffee this morning, doubts crawled in.  All the “why’s” kept spinning around in my head, demanding, condescending, antagonizing.  Questioning my involvement in the dance world.  Has my style become obsolete?  Not good enough?  I did all things I recommend others not do, I began comparing myself to others.  Perhaps what I do isn’t big enough, sparkly enough, fancy enough, dramatic enough.  For a few brief moments I even wondered whether my time has passed….if I should step aside for a new generation of dance.

Before you comment, know that anxiety is an issue for me.  My mind tricks me into believing something that isn’t true.  It looks for that one vulnerable spot and latches on like a dog with a tire – whipping it around until I’m beaten into submission or use my coping mechanisms to stop it and see the light again.

This is purely my own self-questioning and doubt.  There are so many talented builders, creators, choreographers and performers in the dance world – each with their own style.  They are artists, we are artists, and how we express ourselves is our freedom this world provides.

After some deep breaths, fresh coffee, and a change of scenery to shake up the thoughts swirling in my head, I’m reminded why I create, why I dance, why I share it with others.  The pure joy I feel, involving others, sharing and learning, bringing the big stuff sometimes, a simple solo others, and being offbeat – wherever my whims take me.  Would we judge Picasso against Monet?  No.  Rather than judging myself, or even judging others, I choose to appreciate the joy of the dances I create.  I choose to appreciate the creations of others without comparison, to mine or to anyone else’s.  Every performance is a sculpture, unique and its own.

“The way we choose to see the world creates the world we see”

I drank champagne with kings and queens
       The politicians praised my name
But those are someone else’s dreams
      The pitfalls of the man I became
For years and years
     I chased their cheers
The crazy speed of always needing more
But when I stop
     And see you here
I remember who all this was for

And from now on
These eyes will not be blinded by the lights
From now on
What’s waited till tomorrow starts tonight
It starts tonight
And let this promise in me start
     Like an anthem in my heart
From now on
  From now on

Come Back Home.  To You.

My brain feels like a bit of mushiness this morning (wow, mushiness is a real word!) – all these thoughts swirling around over this one thought…this one idea.  Actually, I think it’s a bunch of ideas that want to be put together, quotes from various sources and thoughts in my own head.

First, one  of my biggest vices – that morning cup of fresh brew.  A shout out to all Canadian’s – it’s Tim Horton’s today.  On to deep thoughts <cues the SNL deep thoughts music>

Misc quotes and thoughts:

Challenge yourself, take your dance creations to the next level.  Identify weak areas and make them stronger.  Tighten choreo and transitions, learn a new tool (like the formation system for me), imagine deeper, try new things, new approaches, new ideas.  Give yourself time to create the best you can and to enjoy the process.  Rushing usually never leads to anything good.  Step out of your comfort zone. 

Lighting is a weak area for me, something I haven’t really learned or focused on – which could make a huge impact on my dances, hmmm….

Take fear out of the mix.  I love listening to motivational videos while I work and so many just hit the target as if the speakers are in my head.  So often fear holds me back.  Fear that I don’t measure up, that I will upset someone, that I can’t do it.  Fear of change.  I give up before I even start.

My new favorite quote:  Excuses only sound good to the person making them. 

Next time I start making an excuse for why I couldn’t do something, I’m going to think about this.  Sometimes things are out of our control.  Real life needs to come first, emergencies happen.  Sometimes it’s because I didn’t plan well, I procrastinated, I wasn’t “feeling it”…and sometimes I’ve let people down because of it.  One instance I can never make right, which cuts me to the bone…and leads to

Forgive yourself.  In my case above, there’s no way I can make it right, there’s no excuse that justifies not accomplishing what I said I could.  I realize now what contributed to my failure in that task.  I can dwell on the failure, or I can overcome my weaknesses and strive to make sure it never happens again.  I can take what I learned from this and share with others, so that perhaps they don’t struggle as I did.  That they don’t put blocks in their own way to prevent success.  In this way, I can honor her, and honor myself.

One of my biggest personal challenges….it’s ok to say no.  It’s ok to walk away.  It’s ok to set boundaries, to take care of yourself first.  To remove yourself from toxic people and situations.  Be realistic with what you can accomplish.  It is much better to say no in the beginning, than to say yes and do less than you could, or stress yourself trying to do it all.

Finally, plan measurable steps and commit to them.  Focus.  I know there is more I can learn, a part of my imagination that I haven’t tapped into yet.  Without committing to taking a step, in six months I will be saying these very same things.

In creating a new habit  – make it tiny.  Commit to one step, one minute, just one.  We can all take that one minute – to unpack a tool, to stretch, to meditate for just one minute.  That minute becomes easy…and becomes two minutes.  I tend to be a person of extremes, toe in the water or jump in from the high dive.  This can hold me back, but I can do one minute – I know I can.

The tighter you try and hold on to something you are afraid of losing, the more you are pushing it away.  The people in your life, a group that’s transitioning, your “place” in the hierarchy.  The fear of being less important, unnecessary, invisible, forgotten, failure.  I know it hurts like hell, I know I struggle with this, but I know too that new opportunities arise when I let go.  This is a challenge for me…every single day, in both worlds.

Final thought:

“As you take the next step, and the next, your greatest defense against stress, frustration and defeat is your inherent ability to choose one thought over another.  Remember this.  If you look for reasons to be disheartened – if you look for reasons to give up and give in – you’ll find plenty of them.  Look instead for reasons to be positive, and see them everywhere.  Then carry on.”

New posts and information coming.  Working on those blocks in my life.  

Me.  Not better than others, not less.  Different, in my own way.  I accept myself for who I am.

Breathe.  Live.  Be.

Always,
   ~ Eva