This is my safe space, where I sometimes open up and share a piece of myself.  I am not perfect.  I could be afraid to show my cracks, scratches, and dents, but here I feel more free as words flow from my fingers.  People can take me or leave me for who I am.  I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.  I know some could consider me ‘weak’ or ‘imperfect’ for being honest and open, but I’m ok with that.  If expressing my thoughts and feelings eases my soul, and perhaps inspires or connects with someone else – that’s what matters.

As I sipped my quickly cooling coffee this morning, doubts crawled in.  All the “why’s” kept spinning around in my head, demanding, condescending, antagonizing.  Questioning my involvement in the dance world.  Has my style become obsolete?  Not good enough?  I did all things I recommend others not do, I began comparing myself to others.  Perhaps what I do isn’t big enough, sparkly enough, fancy enough, dramatic enough.  For a few brief moments I even wondered whether my time has passed….if I should step aside for a new generation of dance.

Before you comment, know that anxiety is an issue for me.  My mind tricks me into believing something that isn’t true.  It looks for that one vulnerable spot and latches on like a dog with a tire – whipping it around until I’m beaten into submission or use my coping mechanisms to stop it and see the light again.

This is purely my own self-questioning and doubt.  There are so many talented builders, creators, choreographers and performers in the dance world – each with their own style.  They are artists, we are artists, and how we express ourselves is our freedom this world provides.

After some deep breaths, fresh coffee, and a change of scenery to shake up the thoughts swirling in my head, I’m reminded why I create, why I dance, why I share it with others.  The pure joy I feel, involving others, sharing and learning, bringing the big stuff sometimes, a simple solo others, and being offbeat – wherever my whims take me.  Would we judge Picasso against Monet?  No.  Rather than judging myself, or even judging others, I choose to appreciate the joy of the dances I create.  I choose to appreciate the creations of others without comparison, to mine or to anyone else’s.  Every performance is a sculpture, unique and its own.

“The way we choose to see the world creates the world we see”

I drank champagne with kings and queens
       The politicians praised my name
But those are someone else’s dreams
      The pitfalls of the man I became
For years and years
     I chased their cheers
The crazy speed of always needing more
But when I stop
     And see you here
I remember who all this was for

And from now on
These eyes will not be blinded by the lights
From now on
What’s waited till tomorrow starts tonight
It starts tonight
And let this promise in me start
     Like an anthem in my heart
From now on
  From now on

Come Back Home.  To You.