I realize I haven’t rambled lately. One of the reasons I created this blog was as an outlet of thoughts and emotions. Perhaps they’d click with some of you, perhaps others could learn a bit from them. I find it easier to put my thoughts to paper (or the keyboard in this case). Make some sense of order, and also in a way to let go of all the pent up chaos inside. Things are usually pretty easy when things are going well and smoothly. It’s how we handle the chaos that defines us I believe.
Have you ever gone through a period of transition, where you felt like you were going to burn up with the intensity of it? Where you felt utterly exhausted for no reason and were searching for some sense of normalcy? I, like so many, have my own personal challenges…yet why do I fear to list them here? That I will be judged and deemed broken or undesirable? Dismissed? Why are we constantly reminded that we should always portray a strong and perfect image? I’m not perfect, I don’t believe anyone is. If someone thinks less of me for being who I am, then that is their loss. We each have our own personal challenges, why can’t we own them, accept them, and be who we are? What people think of me is their business. It should not change me being true to myself.
I know when I’ve failed. Failed is such a strong word, but sometimes the only one I accept of myself. I know when I’ve messed up, made a mistake, done less than I could, or missed a deadline. It is true, we are such hard critics of ourselves, expecting perfection. Sometimes it’s a self fulfilling prophecy – so afraid of messing up, that we do.
I’ve found myself in the past week comparing myself to others. Something I always say not to do, and in comparison I consider myself a failure. There are two parts to this. When I get lax, feeling like I’m great at something, the universe comes rolling it and reminds me to be humble. Being humble reminds me not to assume anything, to prepare, pay attention to details, make the extra effort, to focus…and most importantly, to breathe and do my best. That if something happens, I can overcome it.
What did comparing myself to someone else do? Made me feel worse, inadequate. As I do some soul searching today, I see this. It accomplished nothing. I am me, I am not someone else. I have my own personality, creativity, ways of doing things. I put those out there for the world to see. I continue to grow and improve. Learning from my mistakes. I am grateful for those who have confidence in me, who may enjoy what I give. This isn’t a competition as to who is the best. I equate dance is this world as I would a painter. We create from our souls and our passion. What we create depends on the mental and emotional space we are in – such as Picasso and his blue period. What inspires each of us changes over time, and that’s as it should be.
Many of you know I recently moved my workshops to be next to Winds of the Sahara Cabaret. Some of you may know of the recent changes and the necessity of my moving my workshops again.
“It is no problem” I said, being their new home is the same size as the old.
As I put together the workshop area again, which hadn’t been completed before the move, I realize that I wasn’t listening to my own inner sense of self. Merely going through the motions.
I need stability, a sense of order. I kept going as always – doing things to cope with my inner turmoil but not ease it or resolve it. Several good friends reminded me that I need to take care of myself – to relax, to meditate, instead of using my coping mechanisms such as sorting things. To be patient with myself. When the inner turmoil takes hold, it’s impossible to focus and causes fatigue.
Chaos can also lead to change, I remember, as I begin to see and come out the other side. Winds was merely a building to me. It was the people, audience and staff, who made it what it was. Moonshadow Dancers has been born from the ashes of what had been. Many of the people rising from the ashes with me. New beginnings.
Harleyquin Learning Center once again has a home, in a way also from the ashes. A time to think and to plan. To embrace what teaching and the workshops mean to me, and also new opportunities.
I give myself permission to accept what was is past and move forward, instead of pretending this wasn’t an emotional upheaval for me. I give myself permission to forgive myself for recent mistakes I’ve made. I’ve learned, I can overcome, and I can only do my best. Inside my head, that little voice will always tell me the worst – no one will ever want you to DJ/perform/teach again. I am stronger than that negative voice.
I reinforce my own needs, though I often think of others first, to take care of myself. To only commit to what I can accomplish and enjoy, to meditate, to laugh, and to spend time feeding the soul.
I am humble and thankful. Be true to yourself and enjoy what you do.
With love and light,