Ego.

One of my biggest fears here in this world of SL.  I fear that I will develop an ego, think that I’m better than others, be judgmental and negative.  That instead of lifting others up, I will tear them down – directly or indirectly.

I don’t want that.  Ever.

We all twitter a bit at times, sometimes rant to a trusted friend because we need to.  When does it become hostile?  Negative?  Excessive?  Over the top and toxic?  When do we realize our conversations with others, and even conversations within ourselves, have become little more than personal criticism of others?

I watch…all the time.  I evaluate and learn from this.   It’s part of my “systems analysis” psyche.  How things are done, what clicks with me, what I could do better, inspiration to expand and improve what I create.  These in my mind are positive things.  The difference…I evaluate what I see – art, creation, performance, music…in whatever I’m doing, not the people.  I critique myself most of all, and most times I’m an extremely harsh critique of myself.  (Sometimes too much, and this has its own consequences which is a whooole other topic.)  I apply this information to what I do, create, what I want to learn how to do better.  I grow.  In my mind, evaluating an experience is very different than critiquing a person.

There will always be people we have difficulty working with, no matter what world it is.  We will always have people who frustrate us (heck, I might be one of them), but we have a choice in how we react to the situation.

Someone I call a friend, whom I dearly hope I haven’t offended in some way, posted this:

“The dance community used to be a wonderful, supportive place, full of creative and loving people.  Lately however, I know it is me, I have changed somehow I guess; but the bickering, the finger pointing, the egos, unfriendliness in the community has just depressed me so I am stepping back.”

Am I on a soapbox, preaching about negativity and ego?  NO.  Hell to the no.

According to the Urban Dictionary, the definition of “gut check”:
Gut check was originally a tennis term to describe a player pausing a moment to think about what just happened by closely examining and possibly adjusting his racquet strings. Back in the day strings were made of cat gut, commonly refered to as gut. This usually occurred after a great shot by an opponent.

I am having a gut check moment.  Looking within, at recent interactions, making things right – or as right as I can in two circumstances I know of.  Pulling myself back from the edge of this slippery slope because:

I don’t want to lead a negative and toxic life.  I don’t want others to feel those energies from me, and people can feel them when they are there.  I want to lift others up when I interact with them, not make them feel less either directly from me or second-hand by the telling of others.

I can address the situations head on, or I can remove myself from those situations.  I can choose my mindset.  I cannot control what others do, but I can control how I respond.  I can review my emotions, and not reply from a negative place because internally I’m hurting.

I do not want to have an ego.
I do not want to feel I need to “compete” or “be better than others”.
I do not feel I’m better than others.
I want to love what I do and have positive interactions, walking away or changing the situation when they aren’t.

I have my moments, just like we all do.  I do sometimes get “too big for my britches” until something slaps me down and reminds me of humility.  Right now?  This is my gut check moment.

There are truly amazing people in the world of dance and wonderful experiences to be had, who bring light into this world we share.

I strive to stand in the light.
~ Eva